Self Care: 7 People You Just Can’t Help

“You’re a Queen Mother,” he told me, “inside of you is a medicine that will help many people!”  Those were the words of the Ghanaian Shaman with whom I met to give me insight into my life’s path.  I cried—not just because of that, but because he also spoke about my grandmother, with whom I didn’t get along while she lived.  He told me that she was proud of me– and it left me completely undone!

Not long before that, I had my astrological chart read; since I can remember, I have long been fascinated by the effects that one’s birthdate has on their behavior, so this encounter was long overdue.  This woman relayed to me the same message—that at my core is the essence of “mother” and “nurturer”, and that it would be within the confines of those two paradigms that I would complete my life’s work.

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Was I surprised at the words of the Shaman or his predecessor?  Absolutely not!  I have been doing what I like to call “mama-en” for a very long time.  When my younger brother arrived, approximately eight years after me, he immediately became my child, for a plethora of reasons: one of which being that my mother (at the time) was not too enthused about the burden and responsibility of an additional child.  The other, was because I loved him immensely and wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I also, at various times, was a mother to my mom, who frequently leaned on me for support, especially after I became a (legal) adult.  Though this load often felt too heavy to carry, I acquiesced to this dynamic, because it was all I knew to do .  Later in college, among my friend circle, I again was the mama bear.   Since then, in addition to having five of my own biological children, I have gone on to adopt many people who’ve either been lost,  broken, or who simply just needed, or lacked a mother’s touch.

In doing so, however, there have been profound lessons learned and unfortunately,  by being so nurturing, I have been burned figurtively, many times.  Nonetheless, these experiences exposed me to many different personality types and gave invaluable insight into those of whom it often proves futile to help.  Why?  It’s because these people, for reasons I will explain in detail below, have a propensity to squander any support one gives, and as a result, those who try to help them often wind up feeling  frustrated and drained.  With that in mind, here are the 7 people you simply can not (or should very cautiously) help:

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  1. People with stunted growth. These people missed a step in their development, most likely as a result of a trauma or abandonment when they were young.  How it typically shows up in an adult? —Well, these individuals always seem to be just a few steps behind in the maturity department, which includes having a low emotional IQ.   In addition, they may fantasize or obsess over trying to attain goals that are far below their age (think a 35 year old male trying to become a rapper), and often have very poor decision-making skills.
  • Why You Can’t Help Them—Although they may be cognitively able to comprehend sound advice, their immaturity will often prevent them from following through with or even taking the actions necessary to improve their lives.  These types of people will only change if and when they first make the connection between their lack of progress/success and their stunted emotional development, and then subsequently make the commitment to overcome that flaw.
  1. Users/Takers! These people will suck you dry—and that will include your time, money, resources, love, compassion, energy and friendship, then they’ll still come back to take more—If you let them.
  • Why you can’t help them—Simple—they lack empathy and/or they’re selfish!  Either they don’t possess the ability to put themselves into the position of the person/people from which they leech off of, or they’re simply too selfish to care.

 

  1. Those who are too broken/Mental Disorders. Sometimes people can’t receive help because they are too immersed in pain.  That may look like an adult still reeling from childhood sexual abuse, a woman just getting out of an abusive relationship, or a child with severe anger issues.  Likewise, there are people suffering from mental disorders such as PTSD, Anorexia and Bulimia, or even Bi-Polar disorder who would fall under this group.pexels-photo-362948
  • Why You Can’t Help them—It’s because these people require the assistance of professionals; whether that is a licensed counselor/therapist, psychologist, or even a physiatrist—these individuals have issues that are far beyond a lay person’s scope.
  1. Manipulators/Liars—What do these types look like, well, let’s just say I’m not referring to people who tell the occasional “this isn’t me” when a bill collector calls type of lie, those in this category lie habitually, often for no apparent cause.  The liar’s cousin, the manipulator, is just as bad.  They deceive though subtle mind-games and wordplay.
  • Why You Cant Help Them—They’re mentally dangerous! People in this category create an alternate reality in which only they live.  Consequently, trying to help them, pulls you into this dimension, which not only leaves you vulnerable, but it increases your likelihood of getting drawn further into their deceptive web.
  1. The Complacent. These are the people who are happy where they’re at in life and have no desire for better, or for change.
  • Why You Can’t Help Them—Because they neither want it, or see a need (even if you do)!
  1. The Blamers—People in this category have a reason and excuse for everything that doesn’t go their way.
  • Why You Can’t Help Them—Because nothing is ever their fault!  These folks see the deck as perpetually stacked against them and it’s typically their answer to everything wrong in their lives!pexels-photo-415105
  1. The Know-it-Alls—These are the individuals who not only know everything, they have an answer for everything as well.
  • Why You Can’t Help Them—They won’t listen to anything you say—they no more than you, remember? Talking to them or giving them advice will only fall on deaf ears!

What type of people would you add to this list, or, are there any categories in which you disagree?  Let us know your thoughts– we want to hear them!

 

50 Replies to “Self Care: 7 People You Just Can’t Help”

  1. This just made my night here. Have always talked about this to people and said alot but sometimes people dont see between the lines to know why its not just anyone that needs that help. You did justicr to this and spoke the minds of many.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Brilliantly put. I guess people need to want help before you can actually do anything 🙂

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  3. This is a great post to ponder. I love the topic. It shows how we are being formed in our daily living.

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  4. Such an interesting post! I think that no matter how people are, we should still try to help them and be kind to them. Sometimes, people can change, eve if it takes some time .

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  5. What an interesting concept. I love that you’ve been able to break this down and help others who are constantly wasting their energy on people who won’t change.

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  6. Wow! Sounded like such an insightful experience. I think sometimes the best thing for yourself is realise you can’t save everybody

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  7. This is so true! So many people i have tried to help or make happy that are not even worth it.

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  8. This is an awesome post. When I read the first one, I misunderstood and thought you meant little people. LOL! But I get it now. Everyone can relate to dealing with Toxic people. I especially can’t stand “Blamers” or as I call them “Victims”. I make it a point to keep them at arm’s length.

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  9. Very interesting post! I disagree with the mental illness part just a bit. While we can’t help them professionally get over their illness, we can be part of their healthy support system. That in and of its self is a huge help for someone going through mental illness.

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  10. This is a really really interesting post 🙂 I’ve always been interested in birthdates and how it effects personality too. And everything you say is completely right, these types of people should definitely see a therapist and no one should worry about helping everyone 🙂

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  11. We have had family that lived with addiction. Helping was enabling. Helping was providing an opportunity to be used.

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  12. I have found at least 2 kinds of people on your list which I certainly agree. We can’t argue enough to those people who are liars and blamers.

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  13. I have known many Users/Takers in my life. It wasn’t until recently that I just gave up on them–I am much happier for it.

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  14. Thank you for sharing. It’s a valuable post, we can’t help everyone and we shouldn’t feel bad if we can’t. I also like how you broke everything down and had a reason for each then just throwing a blanket statement over everyone. Great post!

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  15. Nope, you’re right. I can’t even stand to be around most of these people. They have toxic personalities and infect the air around them with hate, avarice, jealousy, complacency, etc…

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  16. I am always so intrigued by people and the way we work. Thanks for sharing this insight with us!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I’m always inspired by people who are working in industries that help people like those you mentioned. It should definitely be done strategically with a plan and consistency.

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  18. I find myself trying to help people that I shouldn’t. I am trying to keep in mind that sometimes these people just can’t be helped sadly.

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  19. I am not the type of person like you who would help and nurture everyone around her. However, I like to believe that everyone deserves/can/must be helped! It is just that not everyone is able to help everybody, that’s a fact.

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  20. This was so eye-opening to read. It’s important to know that however compassionate you may be, you can’t save everyone! -Tonya Morris

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  21. This is all so true! Though you can try to help everyone, sometimes you can only do so much and then if the person actually wants your help. Life is too short and precious though to spend your energy on an otherwise lost cause. Thanks for sharing.

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  22. Such a valuable post. While it is important to extend a helping hand to someone in need, it is also vital to recognize when they actually can’t benefit from our help, or when providing the help takes a toll on us.

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  23. So sad but true. You cannot help someone who doesn’t want to help himself. I’ve lived with someone like that for too long. I’m glad I got away.

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  24. Wow you mentioned it all. So informative. Now I know why. Thank you for sharing!

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  25. Phew! I think you did a great job covering the list of people who need far more professional help than the average person can offer… We all have some shadings of a few of them.

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  26. I have never knew about it and now, I understand that whenever how much you want to help a person you can’t do it because they need help from other like professionals.

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  27. As a person, we tend to help others with all our ability and I agree that we can’t also give help to others because of a lot of reasons.

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  28. I always want to try to help everyone but the result was not that good. Now, I know that I can’t really help others because of their situation and their attitude.

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  29. What a great post. I know a lot of this information, I just have a hard time putting it into practice. I just can’t seem to accept that there are some you can’t help event though I know it to be true.

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  30. This is a great post and an eye opener. It’s been awhile since I get rid of those toxic people in my life. Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves before others.

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  31. I have had to get rid of so many users/takers in my life. They DID suck me dry!

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  32. As a person who loves to help other, it took me a while to realise that not all people can be helped

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  33. So, so important! Great post …it’s a hard lesson to learn and overcome but sometimes you need to put yourself first.

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  34. It took me such a long time to realize that not everyone is in a position to accept help. This explains it in such a wonderful way.

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  35. This is so true! People have to want to be helped and be open to it in order for it to work. Thanks for sharing!

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  36. Super love your post, it resonates with me a lot! My entire life i obsessed about helping people and was often saddened by people I couldn’t help. I love how you categorized them and it is so true!

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  37. This is so true. There are just some people who have a different take in life as they tend to be negative. We can’t help all and that’s okay. Saving our energy to help others who are appreciative and is willing to be saved is what we should focus on instead.

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  38. This post has helped me to understand what sort of people we should not help. The blamers are kind of annoying as they only know how to blame and never appreciate what others has done for them.

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  39. This is very true, sometimes you need to step back and realise you can’t help.

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  40. It’s so important to be able to identify the type of person standing in front of you. Great read!

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  41. Yes! This post is so important and so many people should read it. Some people are toxic, and for your own sake, you must stay away!!

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  42. Energy vampires are people that I try to stay away from! You’re so right, they will suck you dry and it’s best to remove them from your life asap!

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  43. You hit everything on the head and the way you broke those categories down by title and explanation, yessssssss!!!!! I was like omg yes this happened to me. Learned that one the hard way lol. I shared this and am following you. 💙

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  44. What wonderful advice. There are so many genuinely kind and loving people on Earth who simply don’t understand that you can’t help everyone. There’s no need to hurt yourself trying to help someone else.

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  45. Great post! I used to strive to help everyone, but all that did was take a toll on my own health and put me in the position of frequently being taken advantage of. Thankfully, I’m getting much better at determining where to best exert my efforts.

    Liked by 1 person

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